So heads up, this post gets a little personal again. Not insanely so, but more about the influence they can have over someone’s life. Like, in a good way. I’m writing this mainly because I feel like, they just don’t know, you know? And I think they should know. I doubt they’ll see this but a girl can dream and hope, and if they do then shit, mission accomplished.
So, 2020. It’s been a year of lessons.
I was at the doctor at the end of May to follow up with my primary on some things. Stuff that had me worried and concerned. Basically I was there hearing things I never wanted to hear in a doctor’s office. I was told that I needed to get my act together. He put the fear of god into me about everything that would and could go wrong if I didn’t get healthier. How things could get worse for me. One thing he wanted was for me to go see a bariatric surgeon. That’s how serious he saw it. Call me crazy but going under a knife? No thank you. Dying young? I’d rather not if I had any say in it. So then I got given a diet plan.
I could tell he didn’t think I’d stick to it.
Admittedly I wasn’t so sure I could either.
I was upset and down, and frustrated. So cheesy as it sounds, I went and picked up my signed copy of Nick’s book that I haven’t read since 2014. I read it while I had my BSB playlist going. Comfort food for the soul, so to speak. Because when I’d gotten home that day, I cried. I was scared, you know? I needed that support and I felt too ashamed to tell any of my friends. I turned to the other constant in my life, BSB. Not to mention this was also when AJ was starting to post these crazy fit photos of himself. We didn’t know what was going on with him then but you could tell he was trying to better himself, for the sake of himself. I was reminded of Nick’s ups and downs, and his doctor basically scaring him into getting fit. His were definitely scarier circumstances than my own but, it felt similar.
I was reminded then that I wasn’t alone in feeling this way.
Some of you might have seen some tweets on my account about losing weight and this was why. I knew I wasn’t in the best of shape before but I brushed it off. Left it as a problem for future Rose. But I am future Rose and if I want her to stay, I needed to change. I looked at what AJ and Nick had done with their lives, how sometimes yes they slipped up but they kept going. I look at how happy they are now, and remember how I once thought both might end up in the 27 club. But it didn’t happen because they had the strength to change.
It’s kind of funny what will power can do. I told myself if they could do it, I could.
Seventy pounds lighter, and here I am.
I’m still slowly working towards my goals of a healthier life. I feel better about myself. I feel better physically. And my mood about this year has lifted. Because it’s where I took a passion in my life and used it to make my own life even better. Thank you Nick and AJ for serving as the inspirations I needed to turn my life around for myself. I’m not where I need to be just yet, but I’m definitely getting there. Reminding myself of the ways you had to face yourself and the fact you were not in a good place, that something needed to change, helped me do the same for myself. It’s just funny how something as simple as a fandom can help you change your life. People brush off being a fangirl or fandom as something silly and light. And it can be those things. But I feel that a lot of people forget that fandom can truly influence, motivate and downright inspire.
I mean we’re not a fan of five gods, these guys aren’t perfect. But I prefer it that way. It was AJ’s and Nick’s personal journeys, their struggles that reminded me that there’s a way to turn bad things around and make them better. I stopped caring about myself and my health years ago and it was starting to come back to bite me. Seeing AJ go back on his path to sobriety, even without knowing at the time that’s what’s what he was doing – this helped remind me that I’m not alone in trying to make myself better. Reading Nick’s book? Sometimes even I forget all that he’s been through and how open he’s been about all of it. Those kind of things can really make you not care, but you have to care. You have to care before it’s too late. Nick’s book made me feel less alone, in my own personal struggles, in my fight to get healthier, all of it.
As for AJ, him sharing his mental struggles on DWTS was so beautiful I wanted to cry.
I think I did cry, actually.
They probably won’t ever read this. That’s okay. Because those of you here are. And I want you to know no matter what it is you’re fighting, you are not alone. Addiction, mental illness, health, family…it doesn’t matter. I hear you, I am here for you. Reach out to me if you feel alone. This fandom is here for you. There is always an ear or a voice if you need it. I’m absolutely serious. When I’ve been posting on my personal Twitter, the amount of support I’ve gotten is amazing. it’s lifted me up and that’s with people not knowing everything. We are one giant family no matter how dysfunctional we are at times.
And if Nick or AJ ever do read this? I can’t express how much their journeys have helped inspire others. They have risen above so many times and it’s wonderful. It’s helped. Not just their music or their shows. But their words and the ways they’ve managed to be so open no matter how good or bad it looks. Thank you.
Because that’s how their fans will keep fighting.
With them serving as the best inspirations.
The Dark Side 