When I’m down on my luck and I’m searching for my soul
When I’m feeling too much and I start to lose control
When I’m down so low that even enemies don’t wanna know
You still care for me, say a prayer for me, and I know
I wasn’t planning on blogging on this site again until we had something new from the group. Mainly because I sorted out my plan going forward but figured it might be best to wait out the Boys. But you know, I needed to come on here and say something. This blog is going to be very personal to me, but it’s about the fandom so I hope you don’t mind. I didn’t feel that there was a better place for this.
For those who may not follow me on Twitter, I was given some heartbreaking news just about two weeks ago. My dad had to go to the hospital for pains and we found out that he had late stage cancer. But it’s spread and it was too far gone for the doctors to do anything to stop it. I asked how long he had, and they’re giving him six months. That’s it. And I’ll be honest. I felt like my world was shattered. I was numb.
I felt broken.
Next thing I knew, the fandom was rallying around me. It blew me away. Someone saw me mention funds were tighter than normal due to bills and a few people sent money to me completely unprompted. (Thanks to that and a work bonus, I’m in a better spot now than I was at first.) Others were in my DMs asking if I needed anything, a meal, something off amazon, etc. People were flooding my mentions, reminding me that I’m not alone and checking on me every few days. I’m still getting reminders from friends and fans that if I need help or if there’s any way they can, to just reach out.
Then today I get a text. I almost thought it was spam but I clicked the link and this video is what it led me to.
I have no idea who did it. But I started crying. Hard. Because Howie’s been in my place with his own father. He knows what I’m going through and his message was absolutely beautiful. Howie, if you somehow see this, thank you.
That’s not the only reason I cried though.
The other reason was because someone, or a few people – I honestly don’t know – decided to do this for me. They didn’t even say who it was, just did this wonderful thing and let it speak for itself. I felt very loved in that moment. Plus the money spent on this for me went to charity. So this was just all around good vibes and spreading love in every way. This was why I needed to write this post. Because even though I feel like words are failing me, something not normal for me…I needed to express that this is why I love this damn fandom. We fight, we argue, we’re dramatic as hell, but damn if we’re not a family.
I’m crying again writing this. There’s been a lot of tears today. The good kind.
And then I got replies to my tweet about it which touched me even more.
And I want to make sure I say how much all these words (and more) mean to me. I don’t see myself as deserving or anything like that. I blog because I love to write, and because I am a huge Backstreet Boys fan. That’s it. And when this fandom supported me though the loss of my mother back in 2012, when I was nothing more than a random fan who moderated a message board…I wanted to give back. So I do. It’s always been a labor of love. Nothing crazy or special. I’m always just grateful people enjoy my content. To see all of you saying I’ve had this effect or telling me it’s because of what I do, honestly it just makes me feel warm inside. Loved. Appreciated. Because none of you had to do this. None of you had to say anything or support me the way you are. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. In fact I’ve been writing more on my Forever Rebel blog because it’s been a way to channel my emotions. Yet so many of you did anyway. That’s what touches me. What is helping me through.
And I feel so very loved right now. More than I can ever say.
This fandom is one of a few reasons of why I’m able to stay strong. Because I know I’m not alone.
So thank you. All of you. The BSB Army is amazing and I’m so thankful to be part of it.
Lift me up like an angel when I hit the ground
Feel your arms all around me when I’m feeling down
Lift me up like an angel when I hit my low
When your arms are around me
I don’t wanna let you go